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Settling in

Still getting settled here in Texas. I’m learning my surroundings better every week and finding great spots to enjoy in Austin. After being here a month, I found a job that I’m really enjoying so far. Still waiting on our house to sell in Arizona. We had a buyer, but last night we got news that there is a problem with his lender so it looks like we might have to start over with a new buyer. Man, what a pain in the ass. I just want that part to be done, it’s a scary dark financial cloud hanging over our head. I guess I shouldn’t worry too much; the weekend we listed we had an open house, by that Monday we had 7 offers to choose from. From here the next step is to reach out and see if any of them are still interested. If not, another open house should bring plenty of potential again! I just hate this feeling, like this long cord that is forcing me to stay attached and keeping me from completely getting comfortable here. It stresses me out.

I’m already getting very comfortable at my new job after a week. It’s great because it has me on my feet for most of the time I’m there. Running errands, organizing, working on projects, even dashing between two buildings with a few flights of stairs between them. It’s nice having a job that helps keep me active! I can’t sit still for very long at work, it makes the day drag. Days fly by when you keep moving, I love that. It’s only part time at this point, although I’m already being asked to stay longer some days here and there. I am hoping to get closer to full time hours before too long. One benefit to having shorter work days is that I’m easily running 3 times a week during the week (as well as getting out and hiking/exploring with Matt on the weekends). I’m back on track with my running, which makes me happy. Matt is still getting used to his life working full time in an office. It’s tough, as he primarily worked from home before. I hope he feels more comfortable in his routine soon. He’s amazing though, I have no doubt he will figure out how to juggle this new schedule.

Per usual, photos of some of my outdoor adventures:

A heart cactus found at Onion Creek

A heart cactus found at Onion Creek

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Barton Creek Greenbelt

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Barton Creek Greenbelt

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Barton Creek Greenbelt

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The view from Mt. Bonnell

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Garrison Park

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Arbor Trails

 

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Hello, beautiful

I am all settled in. The move to Austin was successful. It was a frightening move; there was a major freeze that overtook the state of Texas which just so happened to coincide with us driving across it in a giant U-Haul. But we made it! The apartment is great, we are about 95% unpacked, and Matt is doing well at his new role at work. The dogs seem to be settling in, and now that we are getting sunnier days we have finally been able to do a little exploring. Boy, we picked the worst stretch of weather to relocate. It has been unusually rainy and cold ever since we got here.

I have been getting runs in when I can – I am a total wuss when it comes to trying to run in cold + rain, so if that combo occurred I was not having it. But I’ve run at Lady Bird Lake (Town Lake) a few times now, plus I’ve explored a few other parks and trails. I am definitely not in a routine yet, and I feel less in shape than I’m used to because of the sporadic nature of my ability to get out there. But I guess I’ve at least still managed at least 2-3 runs per week, so it’s not like I’ve fallen off the wagon completely.

I’m loving it here, I’ve already been able to make a quick trip to Houston to visit family and my brother and sister have also come here for a visit. It’s so great to have the people you love nearby. Not being close to them for so many years was rough. The surreal feeling of living here is still very strong, I’m wondering when it will fully sink in.

Per usual, I have taken lots of photos of my new surroundings. Most of these were taken while out running…

Tree in Zilker Park

Tree in Zilker Park

Bridge over Lady Bird Lake

Bridge over Lady Bird Lake

The State Capitol

The State Capitol

Along Lady Bird Lake/Zilker Park

Along Lady Bird Lake/Zilker Park

Onion Creek Greenbelt

Onion Creek Greenbelt

Longview Park Trails

Longview Park Trails

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Down the rabbit hole

This morning was strange. Where do I start? …Let’s roll back a couple days. I recently got some leggings in the mail (Blackmilk!!) that I had ordered. I was very excited about them, and posted this picture to my Instagram:

blackmilklegs

My husband and I were talking about how they looked, he complimented my legs and after thanking him I relayed a strange story about my childhood. When I was in middle school we had career days where professionals of various types would come and talk to the students about their jobs. One particularly messed up one was a model talent scout. I remember one thing from her talk to us 12 and 13 year old girls: she was the first person to ever tell me that you are worthless without a thigh gap (which I disagree with, for the record). She said she would immediately disqualify any hopeful model who didn’t have the “perfect triangle” in the upper part of her thighs. Needless to say, this messed me up for awhile and gave me weird body issues. What a fucked up thing to dump on prepubescent little girls! Regardless, when looking at this photo with him I pointed out that it was kind of neat that I had one and done so with exercise and eating healthy.

That brings me to this morning. I should start by saying sometimes I am kind of oblivious. I don’t like thinking about how there are thousands of people who struggle with eating disorders. I feel so removed from that kind of thinking that I just don’t think about it much. I guess that’s a good thing? Or just ignorance, and for that I feel bad. I tried to put the hashtag “#thighgap” into Instagram to see what other (in my head) success stories and fit folks I might find who have one. Woops.

First of all, Instagram tells me that there are no tags that match ‘thighgap.’  Weird, I think to myself. So I search for #thigh. Suddenly, I see #thighgaps, #thighgapp, #thighgab and so on. Confused, I click on #thighgaps. And here is where my morning spiraled downward. First, I get a warning that I may see graphic pictures, and Instagram tells me to click on a link to learn more about eating disorders… uh oh. I prepare myself and click to show posts. All I find is picture upon picture of girls that are skin and bones. Pictures with words on them; saying for each like they will fast for 2 hours, or ‘skip dinner get thinner.’ Pictures of girls who have their feet together and yet NO part of their legs are touching, like dainty little twigs. It broke my heart. I didn’t even realize I had started to cry until I felt my cheeks were getting wet with tears. I am not interested in any form of body shaming so I will not post any example pictures here.

Please please please understand that while I am a control freak and keep close watch on what I eat, how many calories I consume, and how much I exercise, it’s ALL within totally healthy boundaries for a woman of my age/height/etc. If you happened upon this blog and you are eating less than 1200 calories a day, or you fast/skip meals, or simply identify as anorexic or bulimic… honey there are other options. They hurt much less. I know nothing I write here will fix anyone who is going through it, but I just feel like I have to put this out there. Healthy doesn’t hurt. Thin shouldn’t be torture. Love your body and treat it well, it’s the only one you get.

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XS

I just bought size extra small gym shorts.

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Extra-fucking-small.

I am in a state of shock. I had some Adidas gym shorts in a large. Actually, I can be seen wearing the large size in the “before picture” in my original post. I knew the large were too large, that didn’t surprise me. I decided to pick up a couple new pairs of gym shorts, expecting to buy a small, worse case scenario a medium.

I picked up the size small and was about to try them on when my husband, Matt, pointed out that the smalls looked like they would be too big on me. I didn’t really believe him, but I figured what the hell. I’ll bring a couple XS in the changing room and just double check.

The size small was big and baggy.  The extra small — of the exact same type of shorts I used to wear a large in — now fit me.

This is an extremely surprising victory post. It was beyond unexpected. It actually gave me anxiety, I started having a little panic moment standing there in Dick’s Sporting Goods with my hands full of too-big smalls and just-right extra smalls. WHO AM I?  WHERE DID I GO? WHAT IF I WAKE UP AND THIS ISN’T REAL ANYMORE, BECAUSE IT DOESN’T FEEL REAL.

But it is real. And it’s awesome, and I don’t need to worry. I’m doing this the right way, I’m not starving myself or taking diet pills or anything bonkers. I’m just eating healthy, being active, and thinking about my body like it’s a machine to keep in good working order. Once the habit is made, it’s really not that hard – you just need a strong sense of personal accountability. Nobody else can do this for me, it’s on my shoulders.